People enjoy heat. I’m not a member of this wet-brow, runny-nose club, but I applaud anyone who dares to confront food that could possibly liquefy them. Doritos isn’t new to the ways of zesty, but they’ve introduced a pair of amplified flavors to help cross-promote Pepsi Max Cease Fire, a “cooling” brand of lime-infused soda eager to make a dent in the marketplace. This coupling of drink and chip is intended to provide the ideal snacking intensity, yet these Doritos retain a bit more snap than anticipated.
The labels read “1st Degree Burn” and “2nd Degree Burn,” so I suppose being startled by the heat of these newfangled Doritos is a bit foolish. After all, the fine folks at Frito-Lay have made the challenge crystal clear. Still, I proceeded to taste these chips with a certain degree of nonchalance, expecting nothing more than a slight tang and maybe a numb tongue. After all, these are Doritos, not some punishing, twisted Food Network challenge meant to bend time with a flexing of serious Scoville muscles. How hot could they be?
Pretty hot it turns out, at least to my virgin tongue. There are two flavors to contend with, Blazin’ Jalapeno and Fiery Buffalo, and both offerings are legitimately accelerated in the spice department, providing a disquieting sensation of burn after only a few crunches.
Fiery Buffalo is generously blasted with day-glo orange, assuredly cancerous buffalo seasoning and stands proudly as the hotter of the two selections, as promised. Criminally, it’s also the better tasting, which meant that every bite was met with a smile that quickly transformed into milk-carton-emptying horror. Here’s how it looked:
Buffalo dreams nomnomnom...
The heat sets in.
Fiery! Make it stop!
And back to my everyday appearance.
The taste of jalapeno is not something I enjoy, leaving the next sack at a disadvantage. The flavor has a certain allure, sure to please any jalapeno fanatics out there, but their contractually obligated heat wasn’t as convincing, leaving me more time to reflect on the chip itself – a studious reaction that seemed to go against the whole “1st Degree Burn” promise. Shouldn’t blood be pouring out of my eyes while I defecate flames? Again, these are only Doritos. It went like this:
Jalapeno flavoring brings reflection and reluctance.
Ack. The jalapeno and mild burn bring disgust!
The heat takes a toll.
And back to my everyday appearance. I swear.
For heat purists, these flaming flavors are going to fall hilariously short of mouth-melting expectations (I’m talking about the hot sauce chugging crowd, who swallow thunder for breakfast). The chips are for moderate spice lovers searching for a specialized jolt from something easily purchased at the grocery store. Novelty Doritos fans might also delight in this walk on the wild(ish) side. The new arrivals bring a welcome surprise to the junk food realm, and it’s nice to find something as innocuous as a bag of Doritos could contain something akin to a swift kick to the mouth.