I spied the “Twilight: Forbidden Fruits” brand of Sweethearts candy out of the corner of my eye today while at the grocery store and felt compelled to purchase a “collectible” box. While I hate to fork over my 99 cents to the freshly oiled “Twilight” merchandise machine, I’m afraid my curiosity got the best of me on this item, the latest in a series of hastily arranged Cullen Family knickknacks that fall under the headline, “Good lord, they actually showed up to see this movie! MAKE THINGS AND SELL THEM!”
While appreciated worldwide as a Valentine’s Day staple for people with questionable poetry skills and lacking taste buds, Sweethearts have found an appropriate venue with “Twilight,” keeping in tune with the film’s terse, monosyllabic screenplay and revolting performances. While all things Necco tend to disgust me, it’s a pleasure to report that…Necco still disgusts me. With such pre-menstrual catnip flavors as “Orange Obsession,” “Tempting Apple,” “Passion Fruit,” and “Secret Strawberry,” I can safely report that these all of these bite-sized hearts taste exactly the same, sharing a flavor I will christen “Gym Sock.” These bizarre, sugared mash notes are awful immediatley on oral contact, distancing me even further away from the core of the “Twilight” experience: the prized opportunity to endure and celebrate anything Summit Entertainment serves up to the fanbase, no matter the quality.
The box art promises crystal clear lettering on the hearts with classic lines such as “Lamb” and “I Trust You” (unfortunately, there’s no “Personal Brand of Heroin” heart). What’s actually inside the box is a crumbly mess of candy, with most of the important lovesick info either feebly stamped onto the heart or lost completely in a dusty haze. The contents look terrible, failing to provide the needed boost of swoon for fans that have come to the trendy confection to retrieve a second fix of Edward Cullen dreaminess, albeit in condensed quotation form.
Actually, a few of the hearts genuinely shocked me. I can’t believe Summit approved these.