Doing their best to trumpet the April 10th release of the “Hannah Montana” motion picture, Disney has bestowed star Miley Cyrus with the caloric glory of her own breakfast cereal. Who needs worthless Academy Awards or stellar basic cable ratings when the opportunity to have kids beg to buy you over Kix comes along?
The “Hannah Montana” confection is a batch of red and blue puffs described hilariously as “Multi-Grain Secret Identity Cereal,” playing along with the show’s Clark Kentesque theme of bewigged confusion. Granted, I’ve never actually sat through an entire episode of the program (I can only withstand small bites of Disney Channel’s “All punchlines must be screamed toward the camera” edict), but it doesn’t take a Harvard graduate to comprehend the hook of the material after a few minutes. It’s still an odd theme to the eats. Why not “Hannah’s Rockin’ Microphones and Guitars” or “Hannah’s Contractually Mandated Backstage Deli Tray Delights?” I suppose by proclaiming the crunchy colored spheres to be magic of some sorts, sales will light up the breakfast aisle at the grocery store. After all, can those nerds Snap, Crackle, and Pop promise identity protection? No!
Truthfully, I wish I had some of the cereal’s magic powers when I purchased the box.
Clerk: “Oh, your daughter is going to love this!”
Me: “Daughter? Lady, I don’t have any ki…Yes. Yes she will. And please place the Gabriella “High School Musical” squishy pillow in a separate bag, please. Ya know, for my daughter.”
Here are the pops.
To be blunt: they. are. awful. I’m sure my elderly taste buds were not in the minds of the Kellogg’s artisans who dreamed this creation up, but that doesn’t excuse the flavor of these nasty nuggets. Think dollar store hairspray crossed with expired strawberry milk, and that’s pretty close to the overall taste of the cereal, which takes the mystical wonders of Crunch Berries and dumbs it down for the tweens. A few bites and I was nauseous. I suppose parents could use the cereal as punishment for misbehaving brats, but even that seems a bit too severe for any crime committed. I’m not exactly a lab-coat-sporting cereal connoisseur, but this is easily one of the foulest creations I’ve ever come across. Eating this junk makes me feel like I personally offended Miley Cyrus somehow.
Since consuming the cereal is no longer an option, let’s check on its magical properties. Can you guess the celebrities below?
If you read the names on the magazine, just know that you’ve cheated. Otherwise, I think the pops have some practical use in the real world, unlike ShamWow or “Gossip Girl.” Perhaps relentlessly hounded famous people everywhere have claimed their ultimate weapon against the evil photographic hordes. TMZ will soon be a thing of the past once the miracle “Cereal Option” takes hold.
The “Hannah Montana” cereal box offers many activites to distract those having trouble choking down the goods. The back presents a spotlight-ready unscramble puzzle and a horoscope chart (dubbed “Fashionscopes”) with the expected Disney blast of positivity. I’m sure readers don’t want to be confronted with hideous omens at the breakfast table (“Pisces should be advised to schedule a proctology exam this month”), so the packaging keeps up a happy dance by using unfortunate words like “bling.” Here’s mine:
Um, no. But I appreciate the encouragement, Ms. Kellogg’s summer intern.
The side of the box offers a “Pop Star Quiz,” which, as to be expected, is not exactly staring down the SATs. See how well you fare:
(Spoiler alert: the answers are all “D”)
Again, the “Hannah Montana” world is all about hosing the reader down with positive energy and seeding future consumer potential, so I’ll cut the brand some slack for this undemanding brain tickler. Still, where’s Will Shortz when you actually need him.
In fact, the front display presents tougher puzzles to decode, like this astonishing, drop-the-spoon claim:
What the hell is naturally flavored about this cereal? Perhaps it’s best not to know.
Because today’s besieged parents won’t purchase cereal without some sort of texture guarantee? Oh man, I would love to sit in on a legal department meeting at Kellogg’s. Can you imagine the debates?
“Hannah Montana” has adorned everything from CDs to toothbrushes, backpacks to candy. And with the release of this breakfast cereal, she will now add fun, unnatural colors to your bowel movement. Just when you thought the world was safe from the Miley Cyrus marketing machine, they manage to find a way down your throat.