There’s a shadowy part of me that always dreamed to walk through the disturbingly crowded halls of a famous comic book/sci-fi convention, but I just never found the chance. Well, fate woke from its slumber this past week and dropped the Phoenix Comicon in my lap, and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go mingle with fellow dorks.

"Rambo" fingerpaints with blood.

Bono in your lap in "U2 3D."

"Meet the Spartans." Kill me now.

Diane Lane hates the internet in "Untraceable."

"How She Move" move pretty well.

Before the screening of “Rambo” that I attended this week, there was a trailer shown for the new Lionsgate horror disaster entitled “Midnight Meat Train.”

“Midnight Meat Train.” I’ll let that sink in for a moment.

It’s adapted from a Clive Barker short story (written before the blizzard of drugs and ego), which means there could be some serious potential for interesting scares. However, it’s directed by a “visionary” Japanese filmmaker, which translates to “desaturated, flash-edited crud.”

No doubt the best part of this thing will be the title. I can’t believe Lionsgate is keeping it. As a short story temptation, it’s a gas – pulpy, direct, intriguing. Pasted on a movie, it screams Troma. The casting of Brooke Shields doesn’t help the cause. Wouldn’t “Midnight Train of Hideous Happenings” or “Where’s The Beef? Oh, It’s On This Train” be better?

Just hearing the trailer guy wrap his voice around the title makes me giggle (and it killed the press stooges at the “Rambo” screening). Good luck getting people who don’t wear “Dawn of the Dead” and Slipknot shirts to see this one, Lionsgate.   

"Cloverfield" has more yawns than scares.

"Blonde Ambition" says to world: "Hello, I'm awful!"

"27 Dresses" hates women.

Woody Allen is chatty in "Cassandra's Dream."

Cash flows, laughs die in "Mad Money."

"Mystery Science Theater" returns in "Cinematic Titanic."

"He Was a Quiet Man" is blazing Christian Slater.

Uwe Boll has returned with "In the Name of the King."

Nicholson and Freeman slowly die in "The Bucket List."

The price of birth in "The Business of Being Born."

Katt Williams steals "First Sunday."

These "VeggieTales" are meant for DVD only.

Welcome to "Tammytown." Bangs optional.

"The Nines" will hurt your brain. 

Hang up on "One Missed Call."

Chris Klein's awful acting strikes again in "Day Zero."

   "White Noise 2" is everything the original film wasn't.

The Orny Awards
(Celebrating mediocrity since 1990)