Indiana Jones explores the vast riches hidden in your mouth!
Oh...well that doesn’t sound quite as tempting as I was intending.
Joining the ranks of previous sugar-drenched blockbuster movie tie-ins, the “Indiana Jones” brand rides triumphantly into grocery stores, ready to steal the daydreams and fragile nutritional goals of
little kids thirtysomething adults everywhere looking to add a much needed taste bullwhip to their dreary morning routine.
Ok, so cereal is not the most ideal, imagination-goosing piece of movie marketing to shoot down the Hollywood pipe, but what was once an open field of franchises stealing real estate on store shelves has been whittled down to a manageable few in recent years. Sure you have your Barbie and Shrek confections, but where was the “Transformers” cereal? “Harry Potter?” Nowadays, the shameful limits of true geek business acumen has kept the cereal aisle free from the multiplex eye-candy it once held, though fun stuff does sneak through now and again.
“Indiana Jones” cereal is comprised of Cocoa Puffs with only a few pathetic marshmallow hitchhikers, but let’s not completely trash the fine folks at Kellogg’s just yet. To them, this food item is an intercontinental adventure just waiting to happen, with danger lurking around every corner and “complex” puzzles to be solved while suffering through commercial breaks on “Regis and Kelly.” The suits have done a masterful job keeping the box in the tradition of old Indy, with a cover that reworks a previous theatrical marketing campaign, while adding a new “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” twist to celebrate the upcoming film.
Here’s the inside scoop:
You might be asking yourself, “Brian, what in the hell are those pathetic marshmallow shapes?” Well, the highly-themed box lists these sweet sugar bumps as:
Um, sure. I’ll admit that the Crystal Skull looks the part, but Indy’s Hat resembles a stinky commune refuse pile, and the all-powerful Temple of Akator looks just like a Doritos chip. I guess that means the Torch looks like a Doritos chip that’s fallen into a violent battle with bean dip. So much for heart-stopping Indy Jones prop and location reality while choking down these broke-ass Cocoa Puffs.
They don’t look all that impressive up close either:
Actually, the taste of the “Indiana Jones” cereal isn’t nearly as rough as I was expecting. There’s clearly a dearth of marshmallows in the average bowl portion, but the rest of the concoction is certainly breakfast ready, and it leaves behind the requisite chunky moat of chocolaty milk. For the third time, these are simply rebranded Cocoa Puffs, but if you squint hard enough you can trick yourself into believing this novelty food item is worthy of Dr. Jones.