Hate Mail: The Micah Ingram Edition

This is Micah Ingram.

This is Micah's room.

Micah doesn't like Brian Orndorf.

Micah recently started a thread on an obscure movie review website called “Spill” (yeah, I’ve never heard of it either) about his “most hated critics.” Out of the three listed, I was one of them. I’m flattered.

Nothing says “Brian has made it to the big time” quite like pissing off a 13 year-old.

The hate itself doesn’t bother me. It’s the name of the critic game, and I’m getting used to it. What makes me single out Micah and his semi-literate rant is how much information he screws up in his effort to rip me to shreds.

Here’s the post:

2.) Brian Orndorf - well at least Earl can be impressed by something. The problem with Brian is week after week after week he reviews films and loves the tasteless, bumbling, retarded ones and yet shows a vast amount of hate for movies that have...I dunno. Decent humor, clever dialogue or maybe good performances.. All that jazz. This week he liked First Sunday but hated the Bucket List. Gave a "D-" to Juno saying "If Diablo Cody is the future of screenwriting, then I'll bite down angrily on a cyanide pill now. I don't want to live in a world where random ThunderCats references pass for wit." but then calls the Mist "suspeceful and scary". Says Fred Claus is even worse than Tim Allen family films and yet calls Mr. Magorium "big screen magic". Do I need to keep writing comparisons of his poor taste? Go to his profile: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/author-2771/

Let’s break this down.

- I’m not convinced I have a bias toward “tasteless, bumbling, retarded” movies, but that’s open for debate. After all, I didn’t like “Juno.”

- I gave “First Sunday” a B- and “Bucket List” a C+. I think the words “hated” and “liked” never entered the equation.

- I land my fair share of typos (a curse!), but I never wrote that “The Mist” was “suspeceful.”

- I didn’t refer to “Magorium” as “big screen magic.”

Here’s the actual quote: “Whimsy is not portioned out cordially in "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium," it's shot out of a cannon. A spirited family film with marvelous ambitions, this "Emporium" is reserved only for those with the capability to embrace deafening big screen magic.”

I can’t please everyone, but it always helps to be quoted accurately.

The best part is that I went to the thread in question and posted a joke about the “suspeceful” flub, only to find someone replying minutes later asking me to give the English language “a chance.”

Good to know the kids at Spill can’t quite put two and two together.

So, thank you Micah. Without children like you, I wouldn’t be in business. I salute you.

As a token of my appreciation, I'm sending Micah his first razor.

Comments

[jonk]

i love your hate mail. though it is always a good chuckle to read silly illiterate rants, the ones I really like are the well-written, seemingly very reasonable ones, that are so clearly unreasonable and illogical that you think it has to be a joke.

[Jay B.]

Leave the poor kid alone B.O., I think Corky just learned how to use a computer.

[Josie]

This is just his way of telling you he really likes you. Don't you remember being that age?

[Nick]

This post wouldn't be half as funny without the pictures. The dog looks throughly depressed to know Micah.